In a world that feels increasingly complex and scary, it’s tempting to seek refuge in simple narratives and clear-cut villains. We long for certainty, for neat categories of right and wrong that can help us navigate the chaos. I feel like there’s this unhealthy absolutism when it comes to friendships and relationships.

It seems to me that we’ve developed an unhealthy absolutism, a rigid canon that labels any interpersonal challenge as a “red flag” – an unforgivable transgression demanding immediate sentencing to the notorious Chikurubi Maximum Prison. We’re quick to cut off those who don’t fit perfectly into our preconceived notions, who dare to be human and flawed.

But relationships, like rivers, I like rivers, are inherently messy and complex. They twist and turn; they have fast currents and hidden whirlpools. Conflicts and disappointments are not aberrations; they are an integral part of the landscape. To then categorise every imperfection as a deal-breaker is to deny the very organic nature of human connection.

In an age of information overload, our brains grasp for these simplistic decision rules like a drowning man grasping for a life jacket. I guess it’s a natural response to the overwhelming noise, a way to make quick judgments in a world that demands constant, instant processing. While these mental shortcuts may simplify things for us, they do so at an incredible expense of nuance, context, and the richness of human interaction

As things stand, it seems as though everyone must now have a definitive opinion on every matter, claim absolute correctness, and view any dissent as a bridge too far. Nuance is a dying art. Emotional maturity lies in navigating these complexities with discernment and wisdom. It’s about recognising that every friendship is a unique story, woven from shared histories, differing temperaments, and evolving needs. It is Sunny Bindra who said, “Every person you meet is a library of stories, a bundle of experiences. By being interested you’re giving them the gift of your attention; but you’re also gifting them yourself new perspectives, ideas and insights.” I have come to learn that conflicts and misunderstandings are not always fatal flaws; they are often times opportunities for growth, for deepening understanding, for the vulnerable yet vital work of repair, that we shy away from.

This is not to say that boundaries are unnecessary or that there are never valid reasons to end a relationship, no not at all. Abuse, chronic disrespect, fundamental incompatibilities – these may indeed be insurmountable obstacles. I am just trying to say healthy boundaries arise from self-knowledge and care, not from rigid, one-size-fits-all rules.

Sadly, in our current conversational framework, nuance itself is often seen as a weakness, a “red flag.” We’re pressured to plant our flags firmly, to proclaim our righteous certitude from the digital rooftops. I hope that we get nose bleeds from the moral high ground we often take. Disagreement, even on the most complex issues, is treated as a personal affront, and a cause for total excommunication.

But human connection cannot breathe in such stifling and suffocating absolutes. It requires space for imperfection, for growth, for the inevitable missteps that come with the dance of relating. If we want to nurture the life-giving bonds of love and community, I think it is important now more than ever to reclaim the lost art of discernment. We must and should cultivate the wisdom to assess each relationship, each conflict, each human being in the full context of their unique story.

Like a river, each life is shaped by countless influences – the rocks of circumstance, the rains of serendipity, the fallen trees of adversity. To judge a river by a single bend, a single cloudy day, is to miss the breathtaking entirety of its journey.

In a world that often feels as turbulent as the wild rapids of the river Congo, perhaps the greatest gift we can give each other is the patience to see beyond the surface, to honour the complex currents that run beneath. If we are willing to embrace nuance, to allow for human fallibility while still holding space for growth, maybe just maybe we might just find the resilience to weather the storms and emerge, together, into calmer waters.